I ache.

tonight i ache for you
my soul buried deep in cellular memories
of being loved by you
and of loving you more than life itself

i remember you

there are moments you're far away
and others you feel wrapped around my back
moments when the feelings squeeze me tight with suffocation
so tight it almost feels good, because

i remember you

when i let go
and act like i never met you
my life feels complete
and then I get a little reminder of you
from some odd thing
and the feeling of deep longing for you
for a moment to love you again
rushes back into my blood
stirring me up inside
welling up the tears
and magnifying the feeling of separation
because my heart knows

i remember you

though i move forward and
live my own life in my own time
without you playing part anymore
forever and ever once again
you hold a small piece of my heart
seems every lifetime it happens
and i die yet again
without you

i will love you again
i will always love you because
i remember
you.

~sad Amy

Brandee

Made your mark upon my heart
rejected me from the very start
Despite my anger on these pages
you'll be with me through the ages
Now this way I'll disappear
and regret life for one more year
Silence no matter what I say
but I'll know you again someday

I think of you every single fucking day
and wish I hadn't ever known or met you this way.
Joke's on me - you are no mirror
all yu did was confirm my fear.
An angel sent down to betray,
God laughs that I continue to live this way.

I am not a person to you.
I am a case file.
Where is your genuinity?
Why couldn't I ever
see your
heart
when you saw mine
in the chair?

An hour is never enough.

Who are you?
WHO ARE YOU?

I'm like a lost little kid.

Not Sure My Place.

Today is a weird day. I sent an email to Brandee yesterday, asking a simple question. She once asked me NOT to email her. But I did anyways because I'm not seeing her as my counselor anymore, and thought it would be ok. Then I got to thinking... probably it's NOT ok. So at lunch I called and left a message explaining that I wasn't sure of my status since I'm technically not a client anymore, but am I still considered one? Could be. In which case I really shouldn't have emailed her. So I asked for a response to clarify the best way to contact her every now and then. Amongst my message I put in there that if I DIDN'T hear from her, I would know she doesn't want me to contact her at all. Now I regret saying that because I have not heard from her yet. And I am greatly disappointed.

She doesn't usually reply to any type of communication. Which causes me to wonder what good the the communication does for the client at all. They always make it clear, "you can call me, or write me a letter, anytime." And then you do, and there's never a response. I don't get it. Makes me feel very ignored.

So right now, I'm stewing a little bit... knowing it's only been a short time, and that there's still today left before the common courtesy of a response within 24 hours has expired. I don't expect I'll hear from her. But that makes me angry and upset inside. So while 95% of me knows she will remain silent to my reaching out, there is 5% of me that holds a glimmer of hope that she'll at least call back and answer my question.

I tell you, this woman has brought about more emotion in me than I EVER expected. If I had known this would happen at the beginning, I would have thought twice about going to counseling at all.

Somewhere out there, they say miracles can happen. I'm just not sure if I'm in the right line.

Can someone please tell me MY PLACE???

Days Passed

Today is Friday before Memorial Day... so much has happened. I've moved on from psychology counseling to a psychiatrist who is supposedly trying to help me stop pulling my hair. Thing is, we're going about doing this chemically. The first pills I used, Seraquel, knocked me out so hard that after four days of taking it I voluntarily detoxed myself. The first day off those pills I was so damn restless that I didn't even sleep that night... well... does one hour count? It was terrible. So we're gonna try another pill in that same family, but needless to say I'm skiddish about trying that. I'm supposed to pick it up tonight, but I think I'm gonna postpone another week before messing with my brain again. I actually felt like myself the last couple days, and it was a good week overall, so I wanna make it last as long as possible.

I'm just not sure I want to continue this whole psychiatrist route at all. Aim thinks I should try it a couple more times. I think I should go one more time and tell the guy to forget it. I had also planned on finally wrapping things up with Dr. Brandee but she, too, thought a summer off and then a late August meeting would be good. I'm just ready to be done with all of this, I think. Maybe it's just because it's Friday night and I'm tired and fricking hot here in the office. (Do they EVER cool it down to lower than 78 degrees?) But could be I'm just plain ready to move forward with my life.

On that note, I'm still pretty caught on B. I'm trying to figure out what it is in me that she is reflecting. I don't have that answer. She once said, "a mirror image". I denied that, but maybe that's true?? I don't know. Why would I be looking for a mirror image of myself? Yuck! But there could be something less literal to that idea that I'm just missing. Maybe Dale will know. I DO know that we have some common lifetime history together, and that in itself causes the dramatic pull I feel to her. It's almost like I knew I loved her the moment we met. Nothing she does will ever change that fact. So where do I go from here? I want to get to know her more. I want to share stories and time together. But I don't know if she will ever give me that honor. To that end I ask myself, if I feel this strongly, is it possible that it's only one-sided? How could that be with emotion so strong? Anyways, B, if you ever read this (which I doubt will happen for some reason) know that I am on a quest to know you again. If we live and die in this lifetime never having shared another minute together, we will again meet up inbetween and cast another agreement together. We always come in and help each other in some way. This is what I recognize in you. This is how my soul loves you.

Well, I'm off to have a long weekend. Aimee is very sick with bronchitis and mild strep. The pool is collapsed and has to be replaced, my office is 78 degrees, and I'm just ready to get the heck outta here. It's 4pm. Do you know where your weekend is?

-Amy

the lady I've been trying to replace for years

Last night I had another counseling session... hopefully one of the last before I can be completely done. DONE. It was a good session and we talked about my experience growing up in Royal Oak, and how that plays part in who I am today. We discovered that most of my time growing up there was sad, angry or confusing, and that I feel very cheated by that place. Yet, no matter what, until that silly house is sold RO is where I have to go back to see the people I love. What a joke! And OF COURSE the same old movie plays over and over in my mind when I have to go back there. It's CRAP! And I WAS cheated! And I continue to be bitter about that - it makes me angry and resentful because childhood shouldn't have to be lived like that. Anyways...

I'm guessing that as soon as I take some time to get to know mom and talk with her more, things might shift for me a little bit. We'll see. But for now, it is clear that my therapist needs to me my own Mom. Not Aim, not Dale, not Chris, not Brandee, but my one and only mom - the lady I've been trying to replace for years. I have to talk with her more, and on a regular basis. I also need to start writing her letters so she can see my thoughts and respond to them. Though I'm not the best writer, I do think this is probably a good idea and will at least give it a try.

To you, my Brandee,
You are a great counselor and one amazing person. Thank you for your help over these six months. But mostly thank you for quitting that project management job back in 90-something, changing your focus, and spending tons of time, money and years of your life in school learning to help people. You are definitely in the right spot, touching many lives in ways you may or may not know about. THANK YOU! You are greatly appreciated. No matter where life takes us, know that you are a small piece of who I am.

As for the remainder of my reality, today things look pretty good. I'll continue to update this little blog site every now and then, so please make comments and keep checking back. Seeya 'round.

~Am

feel the burn...

feel the burn
i lift and press back at you
fingers in your face
my smile at your agony
my spite at you despite your bite
feel the burn
take me into your world
and let me fly free
to wreak havoc in your happy place
there can't be much better here, now.
it's your turn
take the handle and whisk yourself away
into the oblivion
enjoy the open sky
suck up the ground
disintegrate your body into the time warp of pain
nothing comes easy
because you first must
feel the burn
take my hand
lead me into your place of trust and wonder
there's no other way to earn me
but through love and contact
I haven't any other method of showing you
my desires to sleep forever
and my longing to
feel your burn.

I wonder...

I wonder what would happen if...

ANGER

I'm just so sick of this crap. I don't have no personality disorder... I just have an overactive mind. Yes, that's it. And I'm TIRED of always having to look deeper into the "whys" and "hows" of things happening. FUCK IT. I just want to roll with it. And if I can't do it in my sane mind, I'll do it in some altered state of mind... whatever that may be.

Don't you get tired of being psychoanalyzed?
Don't you get tired of living this way?
Aren't you just tired of living?

It's just a pain.
I'M SO ANGRY!
AT WHAT???
FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF, ASSES OF THE WORLD!

the new but everknown

today i was talking with myself. i learned some new things
i learned that being famous is like being crippled.
it's limiting to what you can physically pursue within the boundaries of what is considered "normal life"
though there are parts of each of us who wish we were famous
for some reason or another.
why is that? do we wish ourselves crippledness?
i learned no. i learned that we wish ourselves love from masses of people.
validation that this life is worth living.
that waking up in the morning and seeing the sun or the clouds
makes a difference to that earth upon which your house stands
to that world in which you're forced to live.
it seems that celebrity allows a picking and choosing of reality.
is that the case? are they more in control than we, the non famous? the barely loved? the loved by 5 instead of 5 million?
and is the fact that less people love me or you valid in contrast to the amount of love deserved?

I learned that the fallability of the world IS the perfection we seek.
I learned that God could make a perfect world in just a moment. That it was work for he and the helpers to create a world that was in fact Imperfect, or that was perceived as such, though the greater hand is always at play in making what appears as bad or evil really a hand of cards dealt to serve the greater good of ourselves.

i learned that i might not want to be famous.
but i still have yet to understand why we live.
i have yet to wake up and be glad to be living here.
i long for the day my body holds me back no more.
i long for the day love is all i am. pure. clear. clean. love.

it is a weird world, isn't it?
and the existence of us is important yet alarmingly insignificant in many aspects.
i can live with that for one more day.
not that i have much of a choice.

we work together

we work together to create a new definition of life as we know it.
there are reasons
we receive the energies and formulate them into linear language
most typically understandable by drums in my head
but at times something no longer comprehensible by this limited mind
we work together
if we just would
cannot we see the potential of earth?
and those whose feet dwell upon the sand
we all long to understand
fragmented
separated from our god
i long to be back there again
in energy form
closer to the sun
my only one
my god
my god
what have we done