I ache.

tonight i ache for you
my soul buried deep in cellular memories
of being loved by you
and of loving you more than life itself

i remember you

there are moments you're far away
and others you feel wrapped around my back
moments when the feelings squeeze me tight with suffocation
so tight it almost feels good, because

i remember you

when i let go
and act like i never met you
my life feels complete
and then I get a little reminder of you
from some odd thing
and the feeling of deep longing for you
for a moment to love you again
rushes back into my blood
stirring me up inside
welling up the tears
and magnifying the feeling of separation
because my heart knows

i remember you

though i move forward and
live my own life in my own time
without you playing part anymore
forever and ever once again
you hold a small piece of my heart
seems every lifetime it happens
and i die yet again
without you

i will love you again
i will always love you because
i remember
you.

~sad Amy

Brandee

Made your mark upon my heart
rejected me from the very start
Despite my anger on these pages
you'll be with me through the ages
Now this way I'll disappear
and regret life for one more year
Silence no matter what I say
but I'll know you again someday

I think of you every single fucking day
and wish I hadn't ever known or met you this way.
Joke's on me - you are no mirror
all yu did was confirm my fear.
An angel sent down to betray,
God laughs that I continue to live this way.

I am not a person to you.
I am a case file.
Where is your genuinity?
Why couldn't I ever
see your
heart
when you saw mine
in the chair?

An hour is never enough.

Who are you?
WHO ARE YOU?

I'm like a lost little kid.

Not Sure My Place.

Today is a weird day. I sent an email to Brandee yesterday, asking a simple question. She once asked me NOT to email her. But I did anyways because I'm not seeing her as my counselor anymore, and thought it would be ok. Then I got to thinking... probably it's NOT ok. So at lunch I called and left a message explaining that I wasn't sure of my status since I'm technically not a client anymore, but am I still considered one? Could be. In which case I really shouldn't have emailed her. So I asked for a response to clarify the best way to contact her every now and then. Amongst my message I put in there that if I DIDN'T hear from her, I would know she doesn't want me to contact her at all. Now I regret saying that because I have not heard from her yet. And I am greatly disappointed.

She doesn't usually reply to any type of communication. Which causes me to wonder what good the the communication does for the client at all. They always make it clear, "you can call me, or write me a letter, anytime." And then you do, and there's never a response. I don't get it. Makes me feel very ignored.

So right now, I'm stewing a little bit... knowing it's only been a short time, and that there's still today left before the common courtesy of a response within 24 hours has expired. I don't expect I'll hear from her. But that makes me angry and upset inside. So while 95% of me knows she will remain silent to my reaching out, there is 5% of me that holds a glimmer of hope that she'll at least call back and answer my question.

I tell you, this woman has brought about more emotion in me than I EVER expected. If I had known this would happen at the beginning, I would have thought twice about going to counseling at all.

Somewhere out there, they say miracles can happen. I'm just not sure if I'm in the right line.

Can someone please tell me MY PLACE???