Days Passed

Today is Friday before Memorial Day... so much has happened. I've moved on from psychology counseling to a psychiatrist who is supposedly trying to help me stop pulling my hair. Thing is, we're going about doing this chemically. The first pills I used, Seraquel, knocked me out so hard that after four days of taking it I voluntarily detoxed myself. The first day off those pills I was so damn restless that I didn't even sleep that night... well... does one hour count? It was terrible. So we're gonna try another pill in that same family, but needless to say I'm skiddish about trying that. I'm supposed to pick it up tonight, but I think I'm gonna postpone another week before messing with my brain again. I actually felt like myself the last couple days, and it was a good week overall, so I wanna make it last as long as possible.

I'm just not sure I want to continue this whole psychiatrist route at all. Aim thinks I should try it a couple more times. I think I should go one more time and tell the guy to forget it. I had also planned on finally wrapping things up with Dr. Brandee but she, too, thought a summer off and then a late August meeting would be good. I'm just ready to be done with all of this, I think. Maybe it's just because it's Friday night and I'm tired and fricking hot here in the office. (Do they EVER cool it down to lower than 78 degrees?) But could be I'm just plain ready to move forward with my life.

On that note, I'm still pretty caught on B. I'm trying to figure out what it is in me that she is reflecting. I don't have that answer. She once said, "a mirror image". I denied that, but maybe that's true?? I don't know. Why would I be looking for a mirror image of myself? Yuck! But there could be something less literal to that idea that I'm just missing. Maybe Dale will know. I DO know that we have some common lifetime history together, and that in itself causes the dramatic pull I feel to her. It's almost like I knew I loved her the moment we met. Nothing she does will ever change that fact. So where do I go from here? I want to get to know her more. I want to share stories and time together. But I don't know if she will ever give me that honor. To that end I ask myself, if I feel this strongly, is it possible that it's only one-sided? How could that be with emotion so strong? Anyways, B, if you ever read this (which I doubt will happen for some reason) know that I am on a quest to know you again. If we live and die in this lifetime never having shared another minute together, we will again meet up inbetween and cast another agreement together. We always come in and help each other in some way. This is what I recognize in you. This is how my soul loves you.

Well, I'm off to have a long weekend. Aimee is very sick with bronchitis and mild strep. The pool is collapsed and has to be replaced, my office is 78 degrees, and I'm just ready to get the heck outta here. It's 4pm. Do you know where your weekend is?

-Amy